Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
