sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
