so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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