I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
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I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
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I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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