This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
