using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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