I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
