I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
