i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
