I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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