So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
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she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
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I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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