What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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