Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
