I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The uberlube is also flammable
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
