Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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