OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have feelings that need drinking.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
