There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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