I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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