I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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