I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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