before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
