He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
