She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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