I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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