everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
