She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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