You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good