Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful