i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
