Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
