I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
