Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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