I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
