Best friends brother. Beat that.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
