i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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