Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
