im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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