just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
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Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
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In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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