I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
