I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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