there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
