Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
