I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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