Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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