you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I checked into jail on foursquare
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
