Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
