listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
