Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
im holly from the hills drunk
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
