Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
