I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
