how hairy? two words: wookie tits
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
