I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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