I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
