I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
