I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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