this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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