Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So many bounce houses so little time
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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