I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
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it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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He's a Shit stain on my heart
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.