Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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