My cat gives me a boner
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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